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Introduction to ruac: Building Safety in Connection
Each component of RUAC follows a parallel process of paying attention to self and other as both individual processes mutually influence each other. This can be mentally represented by imagining an infinity symbol between two people where information moves from one person to the other, which then affects the person receiving information, which then shapes how they will respond and the process begins all over again.
RECOGNIZE: Every moment of life is filled with innumerable sensations, feelings, emotions, and thoughts. How do we pay attention to what’s important and make use of it in a way that helps us to accomplish our goals in any given moment? RECOGNIZE is not a “thinking” or “thoughts” focused activity, it’s a noticing activity - noticing what’s going on in the body through our sensations and our nervous system’s awareness of where we are in space and time and the overall condition of our body and mind.
“It’s not a thinking thing, it’s a feeling thing”
Self: When practicing RECOGNIZE within ourselves, we are paying attention to the way our body feels without asking “why am I feeling this way?”. Simply noticing the physical sensations and communication from our body is the first step of RUAC
What is the first thing that you notice when you tune into your body?
What colors, shapes, textures, sounds, emotions, or symbols would you use to describe the sensation you are experiencing?
As you scan your body from head to toe, what do you notice?
Other: When practicing RECOGNIZE with another person, we are seeking to recognize the physical experience of another person, not their thoughts about what they feel or why they feel that way. In order to RECOGNIZE the bodily experience of another, we are using our embodied mind to connect with what it feels like to be that person in this moment in time.
What physical cues do you notice in the other person?
How can you predict when that person is overwhelmed, irritated, sad, angry, grateful, eager, content, or happy?
Can you imagine your own internal experiences that have initiated similar physical cues in your body?
UNDERSTAND: While we have an amazing ability to think through our experience of the world and ourselves, this process does not begin in the “thinking” parts of our brain, but instead in the sensing parts of our brain which is shaped through experiences - this is how we learn that a stove can be hot or that smoke means there’s fire. When we can RECOGNIZE what we’re feeling, we can then move to UNDERSTAND how we got to this place within our mind and body. UNDERSTAND brings all of our lived experience into view and seeks to find what pieces might help us make sense of why we’re feeling the way we are in this moment; it could be that we’re simply reacting to the present moment like the way we pull our hand back from a hot surface, but it could also be possible that we’re reacting to something from before like when we notice our own sensitivity to someone else’s expression of frustration or anger.
“The meaning of the feeling”
Self: When practicing UNDERSTAND within ourselves, we are exploring the “why” behind the feelings we are recognizing in ourselves and beginning to look back into the past to discover what might be coming up for us as we experience the present moment.
What about this situation may have initiated these feelings?
When are these feelings most common or most intrusive?
When is another time in my life when I felt similar feelings?
How long have I had feelings like this and what were some of my earliest experiences that initiated these feelings?
Other: When practicing UNDERSTAND with others, we are asking ourselves what it might feel like to be the person we’re interacting with and how they may have gotten to the place where they are in this moment, whether it be through response to something bound to this moment in time or perhaps it’s something from their past shaping their perception and response to the present moment.
What about this situation may have initiated their feelings?
When else have I experienced this person in a similar way?
Based on what you have recognized, how might they be perceiving the present moment?
What may have they experienced in their life that would validate their perception of this moment?
ATTUNE: With the information we’ve gathered from RECOGNIZE and UNDERSTAND, we can now begin to adjust ourselves in relation to the environment and ATTUNE to our needs as we strive for safety in connection. ATTUNE involves the mind, body, and spirit, as we bring attention and intention to the way we are feeling and what sense we’ve made as to why we’re feeling that way and what we need to do in response to our feeling. ATTUNE does not mean we seek to alleviate pain so that we feel better, but instead ATTUNE embodies both RECOGNIZE and UNDERSTAND and seeks to integrate this information and experience into our response to the environment and ourselves.
“To honor the meaning of the feeling”
Self: When practicing ATTUNE within ourselves, we seek to adjust our relationship to the present moment to integrate what we’ve learned in RECOGNIZE and UNDERSTAND. This could be that we change the current posture of our bodies, that we move closer to or away from something, or even that we calm ourselves through touch or other sensory experiences like tea or water or perhaps a blanket. The point is not the specifics of what we’re doing, but why we’re doing it.
What does this moment mean to me?
What do I need at this moment?
It’s ok for me to feel what I’m feeling, I am valid in my feelings and deserving of being seen and felt.
Other: When practicing ATTUNE with others, we seek to bring attention and intention to the needs of others as they search for safety in connection. As with ourselves, this could be that they need to change the posture of their bodies, that they need to sit down or stand up or move, or that they need to share something or even take a moment to breathe and step away. The point is not the specifics of what the thing is that’s needed but the why behind the need; this posture makes possible the incorporation of a number of things to practice ATTUNE with self and other.
What does this moment mean to you?
What do you need at this moment?
It’s ok for you to feel what you are feeling, you are valid in your feelings and deserving of being seen and felt.
COREGULATE: COREGULATE is the culmination of RECOGNIZE, UNDERSTAND, and ATTUNE and acknowledges the shared mammalian need for safety in connection. As a biological imperative, COREGULATE promotes the growth and development of the participating organisms to embody safety in connection.
“To experience safety in connection”
Self: When practicing COREGULATE within ourselves, we are bringing together the previous components of RECOGNIZE, UNDERSTAND, and ATTUNE to help us find safety in connection. COREGULATE is a process by which we evoke an internalized regulation resource to bring grounded awareness to the present moment and, to the best of our present ability, decipher what is safe from what is not, and to discern what path forward most likely leads to a deeper felt sense of safe in connection.
How can I respond to my own activation and present moment awareness to bring about a greater sense of safety in connection with myself?
What needs to happen right now for me to feel safe?
How can I integrate this experience to help me feel safe and connected in the future?
Other: When practicing COREGULATE with others, we are combining what we know from the previous components of RECOGNIZE, UNDERSTAND, and ATTUNE to connect more meaningfully with those around us and establish a perpetual invitation to safety in connection where all of me is safe with all of you. Building on the foundation of the previous components allows us to discern whether or not all of me really is safe with all of you and vice versa. Practicing COREGULATE with another person brings about a grounded sense of deshaming invitation to authentic connection. In this space, working from bottom-up, we can better understand the demands of the present moment and how to navigate through the various obstacles or threats to maintain safety in connection and ultimately the collective flourishing of all those involved.
How can we respond to one another in a way that brings about a greater sense of safety in connection?
What do we need to happen in order for us to both feel safe?
How can we integrate this experience between us to feel safe and connected in the future?